I write a lot about sports, so I wanted to do something different. Politics is too boring and not controversial enough, so I’ve decided to ruminate on something near and dear to my heart: Atheism. Enjoy.


When I hear people drone on about God’s plan or how God is great, I typically tune out immediately. Athletes are the worst. They’re always praising God (except for Steve Johnson who recently blamed God for a dropped touchdown) and talking about his plan for them – usually while they’re balls deep in a stripper or getting a DUI.

Lately when I hear dullards talk about God, I can’t help think that we’re all talking about the same thing. As an atheist, I don’t believe in this Magic Man™ who is taking a keen interest in the lives of even the lowliest and worst examples of humans. I love how the biggest shit bag on the planet will cite God and his “plan” for them. It’s all so convenient. But what I’m referring to is the nature of the universe: how things go right and how they go wrong. Nature and its randomness is really what I believe in – and isn’t that what half retarded religious nuts believe in too?

I say yes. The belief in God is just an oversimplified version of the concept of nature and the natural order of life. We live, we die. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. It’s a roll of the dice, a spin of the wheel. Resigning yourself to this fact is scary, difficult to cope with and much harder than believing in a Magic Man™ in the sky. Arrogance comes about when small minded people believe their insignificant lives –in relation to the universe- actually mean something. And that a higher power thinks they are special, even though you’d have to have a gun to your head to come up with a list of why they are.

The ever changing randomness and evolution of the universe is really the miracle here (as well as you surviving in it). When people directly involve themselves, it becomes arrogant and betrays the motivation for allying themselves with God in the first place. Everybody loves a winner and weak minded fools will run with the bully just to save themselves from being exposed. Well you’re going to be exposed eventually because that’s how nature and the universe works. At some point, we all get smacked by the cosmic hammer. It’s just up to you to stay out of its way or minimize the damage.

Dumb people see everything around us and chalk it up to the Magic Man™ in the sky. Less dumb people see it as just being how it is. You have no control over what happens to you. Sure, you can eat right, wear your seat belt and stay out of porno shops after the bars close to minimize your risk, but ultimately it’s not up to you. But it’s not up to the Magic Man™ either. If we could all get on the same page with this, I think the world would be a much happier place. Or at the very least, the porno theaters.

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