This might seem like a bizarre thing to complain about but I absolutely can’t stand hyphenated names. And young women who take on these hyphenated names when they get married are betraying just how non-progressive they really are.

My sister is in her late 40’s and she uses a hyphenated name. This is cool because when she adopted her hyphenated name, it was not the in-vogue thing to do that it is now. In fact, it was probably frowned upon in the 80’s for women to do so. The Hilary Rodham Clinton’s of the world were seen as feminist, nazi (feminazis! Oh Rush, you scamp), lesbians who wanted to take down America with their rejection of the usual post-marriage naming rite.

So if you took a hyphenated name in the 80’s or perhaps the early 90’s, I salute you. You’re a credit to your gender and I’d imagine somewhat of a free thinker. But who I don’t salute are the women who take on the hyphen now.

If you’re not over 45 and you have a hyphenated name, you’re a total sell out. It’s a cheap way to seem liberated when you’re really not. Either take your husband’s last name after marriage or don’t. It’s as easy as that. But splicing in your last name with your hubby’s is a wishy-washy cop-out and speaks volumes to your status as a poser feminist.

The hyphenated name now is just too cliché. It’s the go-to for the woman who wants to seem progressive but who really is doing the equivalent to an Austin Powers impression: you’re very late to the party. You want to seem progressive? Keep your fucking last name. As well as revealing who likes Nicholas Sparks movies, hyphenated names are only good for figuring out who the people trying to Friend you on Facebook are. Without the maiden name thrown in there, you’d never know Sally Stevens Hatfield by just Sally Hatfield. Other than that, it’s just a complete waste of time.

So let’s get on the same page ladies. Either take the plunge and become one of your husband’s clan or just keep your goddamned name already. The pretentiousness of your hyphen is killing me.

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