If you’ve ever read anything I’ve written about movies, you will know I don’t like going to the theater. Rubbing elbows with the slack jawed masses gives me the creeps. The loud breathing, dead stares and cell phones going off doesn’t make for a good movie going experience in my opinion.

But I’ve been going lately because my kid doesn’t have the same hang-ups about movie theaters and I want him to figure out for himself that the people who go to the 7 pm first night showing of Transformers 2 are not the brightest of bulbs.

I usually take my son to a matinee of the movie he wants to see a week or two after it has been out and there’s typically no one there. Not this week however.

This week I took him to see Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief on the day it opened. The theater wasn’t packed but there were more folks there than I was used to. Some teenage boys, who I at first took to be special needs kids, turned out to be just gawky teen age boys that sat down in our aisle. They were surprisingly well behaved. Maybe they were retarded after all.

Freaks aside, there was something else that bugged the shit out of me during this movie experience: The “pre” previews. I don’t know whose idea this was, but they should be put in front of me for a slap in the balls. Not only do you have to sit through some sort of Army recruiting Kid Rock music video, but I was treated to a mini-documentary on how great the new Miley Cyrus/Greg Kinnear movie is going to be. So painful. If I have to sit through this shit, shouldn’t the $5 Coke I drank be free?

Then the previews started and I swear to Christ I saw a trailer for a Marmaduke movie with Owen Wilson doing the voice of the comic strip pooch. Not making this up. Owen Wilson has lost his goddamned mind. That or someone drove a dump truck full of money and coke up to his place, put the contract in his hand and started blowing him. There’s no other reason/excuse for this to happen. I’ve read Marmaduke in the comics a thousand times and never once did I ever think, “damn, this would make a fucking excellent movie.” The only people it did occur to were the studio hacks who signed off on it and Owen Wilson as he did the back stroke in his pile of money and coke.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief is such a knock off of Harry Potter, they don’t even try to hide it. It’s impossible due to the ham fisted script, so why even try? Percy (Logan Lerman) is the son of a Greek God he never knew (Poseidon) and doesn’t assume he’s special. There’s trouble when Zeus’s lightning bolt is stolen and Percy is the suspect. His home life is unpleasant and I was shocked to learn he didn’t live under the stairs. Then he’s then ushered into a magical world he didn’t know existed where he’s the “chosen” one. He’s preternaturally good at activities he’s never engaged in and people look out for him while evil forces try to attack him.

J.K. Rowling is owed a check, that’s all I’m saying. That aside, the film is a moderately entertaining action movie that plays fast and loose with Greek Myth while using tons of CGI to bring various legendary creatures to life. The story however is very clunky: Percy wants nothing to do with the convoluted war that will happen if the lightning bolt is not returned. He sets off with his goat legged protector (Brandon T. Jackson) to find his mother (Katherine Keener) who is imprisoned by Hades. Athena’s daughter (Alexandra Daddario) inexplicably decides to join them and like Hogwarts magic, any conflict between them is conveniently written out of the picture. Also conveniently relieved of explanation is why all the half human children of Greek Gods live in a camp (Camp Half Blood – Rowling will take cash this time) and don’t venture outside of it. What is there purpose in the world? There’s so many unanswered questions offered up by the ramshackle screenplay, I spent more time thinking about them than wondering how Percy and crew were able to drive from Nashville to Las Vegas in a matter of hours.

Percy saves the day. Surprise. And the guy who they thought was helping them is really the Lightning Thief. Shocker. Then they rescue Katherine Keener and she tells Percy she rectified her chaotic home life by kicking out his deadbeat step-father (played by Joe Pantoliano in what has to be the most ridiculous, clichéd performance of the year) when it was already explained they were living in his apartment. If it wasn’t for the fairly top notch CGI and lack of giant ants, I would have thought I was watching something produced exclusively for Sy-Fy.

Anyone under the age of 15 should enjoy this. Over that and you’ve got some real problems. The fact that the story was such a re-hash of Potter wouldn’t really matter if the script wasn’t such a shambles. The acting isn’t too bad but when the characters are required to run to one place and fight a monster and then run to the next place and do the same thing, it gets old fast. The script runs out of time exactly at the same point that Percy does. Shit gets resolved and the possibility for a sequel is securely anchored down. I’m $15 lighter and greasy teens breathed on me for two hours. That Miley Cyrus movie isn’t looking too bad right now.

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