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I write a lot about sports, so I wanted to do something different. Politics is too boring and not controversial enough, so I’ve decided to ruminate on something near and dear to my heart: Atheism. Enjoy.

When I hear people drone on about God’s plan or how God is great, I typically tune out immediately. Athletes are the worst. They’re always praising God (except for Steve Johnson who recently blamed God for a dropped touchdown) and talking about his plan for them – usually while they’re balls deep in a stripper or getting a DUI.

Lately when I hear dullards talk about God, I can’t help think that we’re all talking about the same thing. As an atheist, I don’t believe in this Magic Man™ who is taking a keen interest in the lives of even the lowliest and worst examples of humans. I love how the biggest shit bag on the planet will cite God and his “plan” for them. It’s all so convenient. But what I’m referring to is the nature of the universe: how things go right and how they go wrong. Nature and its randomness is really what I believe in – and isn’t that what half retarded religious nuts believe in too?

I say yes. The belief in God is just an oversimplified version of the concept of nature and the natural order of life. We live, we die. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. It’s a roll of the dice, a spin of the wheel. Resigning yourself to this fact is scary, difficult to cope with and much harder than believing in a Magic Man™ in the sky. Arrogance comes about when small minded people believe their insignificant lives –in relation to the universe- actually mean something. And that a higher power thinks they are special, even though you’d have to have a gun to your head to come up with a list of why they are.

The ever changing randomness and evolution of the universe is really the miracle here (as well as you surviving in it). When people directly involve themselves, it becomes arrogant and betrays the motivation for allying themselves with God in the first place. Everybody loves a winner and weak minded fools will run with the bully just to save themselves from being exposed. Well you’re going to be exposed eventually because that’s how nature and the universe works. At some point, we all get smacked by the cosmic hammer. It’s just up to you to stay out of its way or minimize the damage.

Dumb people see everything around us and chalk it up to the Magic Man™ in the sky. Less dumb people see it as just being how it is. You have no control over what happens to you. Sure, you can eat right, wear your seat belt and stay out of porno shops after the bars close to minimize your risk, but ultimately it’s not up to you. But it’s not up to the Magic Man™ either. If we could all get on the same page with this, I think the world would be a much happier place. Or at the very least, the porno theaters.

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This is a snippet from something I’m writing about a person who suddenly finds themselves with the ability to cleanse the worlds of problems. This is a section where this person is interviewed. If you like it cool, if not, cool:

So you’re mortal?

Him: I think I’ve established that.

What I mean is, do you have knowledge of your own death?

Him: Not exactly. But just like when I expand my consciousness out to hear what people are thinking on the planet, I can do the same to myself and there’s a strange pathway that I’ve just begun to explore. I have a good idea of how much time I have left.

How much is it?

Him: Well, if I told everyone that, they’d just go back to what they were doing after I was dead right? Instead, after this interview, I’m going into a radio silence as it were for a long time. I’ll be watching and listening and will return again to let everyone know I can still do what I’ve been doing. But eventually, I won’t be able to return to work. Hopefully by then everyone will have learned that living positively is a far better way to go.

So what you’re saying is you’re going to disappear but still mete out punishment, just to throw people off when you really die?

Him: That’s about it. Look, hopefully I’m going to be around for awhile, but if I disappeared tomorrow, all hell would break loose. If you’re not quite sure if I’m around or not, well, you’ll probably behave yourself.

True. So the random person dropping dead on the street may or may not be you?

Him: Yes. Happened recently. A woman name Marjorie Adams had an honest to goodness heart attack and fell over next to some dude who raped a couple of chicks. Sucks, but that’s how it goes.

But isn’t this just like the Jesus story and the countless other religious fables where someone will return to judge them if they don’t behave?

Him: Mother fucking exactly.

I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift is the monster from Splice. Well, she’s a monster anyway.

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I think I understand the Lost backlash. It’s like when a band you love gets really popular and starts pumping out crap. You feel cheated that you invested so much time, possibly money and your hipness putting your support behind the product. Lost fans, in the twilight of the series, are acting the same way: disappointed with the direction the show has taken and the seemingly shoddy writing, some are predicting failure for the show’s finale on May 23^rd. But that was before last week’s episode What They Died For which was a delicious appetizer for the finale. I’m predicting it will be great and further down, I will predict how it will all end.

I’m withholding judgment on this particular season until it’s all over. I’ve did find this one to be confounding though: too many new questions and concepts introduced too late in the game for a reasonable conclusion to take shape. Still, I’m along for the ride and will let the usual histrionic fans vent their frustration by posting outlandish venom on the message boards.

And before I get to my prediction, I’d like to posit this one idea: we were introduced the idea of the “long con” by way of Sawyer in earlier episodes of the series. Since then we’ve seen various incarnations of long cons being put into effect by different characters. Wheels within wheels of secret maneuvers put in motion to achieve their aims. What if this final season is some sort of con put upon us by the creators of the show? If you think about it, the fans are now divided and arguing much like the characters have been for the past couple of seasons. Most think the show has gone off the rails and are in revolt while a small few are kicking back, having faith the creators have a plan and that it will all pan out. Sound familiar?

It should because that’s what’s gone on in the show. Now Jack has converted to a man of faith and characters like Sawyer seem to vacillate between going along with the plan and refusing it outright. The fans have been doing the same thing this season.  Some want off the ride that is the Island and aren’t putting up with the producer’s shit anymore (something tells me they’re still watching though). Another group of fans, like Jack, are hanging in there against all logic. They want to see how it all plays out, no matter how ridiculous it gets. I guess I’m a little like Jack at this point.

Show runners Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse seem a little agitated by fairly legitimate questions that fans have been left wondering (the outrigger – a fairly new mystery, will not be resolved….total crap because it would have been easy to do). Their reactions make me think they have been caught off guard by the negative feedback they’ve received (hubris) on the season and have now set themselves up in a way that no matter how it ends up, they can just wash their hands of it. Claiming that they won’t answer any questions once the finale airs probably is a good indication of this.

I don’t blame them. Internet commentors are typically the most obnoxious and ignorant assholes on the planet (present company excluded). Having those people tell you that you suck is like having a homeless guy inform you that you need a shower. Still, no matter what they say and how they spin it, it’s obvious that by choosing to have only one more season of Lost, they created a very small window that they weren’t able to cram everything through. I do appreciate what the show has been and agree with Lindelof and Cuse that throwing away the entire series for how it ends up is just silly. If that were the case, The Wire would be the worst show on television, not one of the best. As I stated before, I’m in it for the long haul, and like my favorite band, I’ll listen to what they have produced and enjoy it for what it’s worth.

Now, my prediction. If any of this seems obvious to you, suck my dick.

The Lost creators have long stated their love for Stephen King’s Dark Tower series. So revered is King’s seven book cycle, that several concepts and nods have appeared in the show. I was moved to read the series, not once but twice because I thought it could provide me with some insight into just what these bastards were getting at.

If you haven’t read it, you’re probably shit out of luck getting through seven books of Stephen King’s well crafted, yet very long masterpiece by the time the finale of Lost rolls around this weekend. I won’t spoil it for you, but among other things, the Dark Tower deals with alternate realities, time loops and all sorts of fucked up shit. Plus a tower that if it falls, will erase all of existence….sound familiar? Without revealing the exact ending of the Dark Tower (which may come into play in Lost) I can reveal something that happens just before the ending. (It’s kind of a spoiler, but by the time you get around to reading it, you will have forgotten all about my ramblings)

One character leaves the world populated by the main character Roland and returns to a version of her New York City. Here she finds other characters who died in Roland’s world and reunites with them. For a moment, she remembers her connection with them while they only have a vague understanding that they should link up with this character. This fades after awhile but the characters presumably go on to a happily ever after.

Lost will end much the same way. Jack will take over as the island guardian, but in the process of doing so, he will see the deaths of the remaining castaways. Sawyer, Kate, Hurley and all the rest will be killed and there will be nothing he can do about it. There will probably be a confrontation with the Man in Black (another Dark Tower reference) which will leave Jack as the last man standing. I think the Island is supposed to sink but in some way Jack will either live out the rest of his life on the island -by himself- or left swimming in the water where the Island was –by himself.

Now, remember what Miles said to Sawyer about Juliet? As Juliet faded out during her final death scene, she seemingly had a conversation with someone off the island. Miles claimed she said “It worked.” Juliet was the very first to pass over and have the double vision of alternate reality and Island reality. Several characters were given glimpses in the alternate reality but hadn’t fully awakened in between timelines like Desmond -and now Hurley- have presumably done. As the remaining Losties die off (at the hands of MIB), they will awaken in the alternate reality.

Jack, fully assuming that his friends are dead and he is yet again the cause, will be bummed out. But when he finally “dies” on the island, he will wake up in the alternate reality, with all the knowledge of his island life, but in the other time line. The last one to cross over.

The end scene, like the very beginning, will be Jack’s eye opening and Kate’s voice saying his name. He will have finally arrived at his destination.

Or something like that.