Sports interview with a Street Dog

new column at AV Club Denver here!

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new column: Can anyone really own Rocktober?

New column here!

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Tebow Time already? new column at AV Club Denver

Tebow time already? Please God, no.  New column @ AV Club Denver.

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new AV Club Denver column: Denver Broncos season prediction 2010

my new column where I forecast the gloomy Broncos season here!

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A snippet

This is a snippet from something I’m writing about a person who suddenly finds themselves with the ability to cleanse the worlds of problems. This is a section where this person is interviewed. If you like it cool, if not, cool:

So you’re mortal?
Him: I think I’ve established that.
What I mean is, do you have knowledge of your own death?
Him: Not exactly. But just like when I expand my consciousness out to hear what people are thinking on the planet, I can do the same to myself and there’s a strange pathway that I’ve just begun to explore. I have a good idea of how much time I have left.
How much is it?
Him: Well, if I told everyone that, they’d just go back to what they were doing after I was dead right? Instead, after this interview, I’m going into a radio silence as it were for a long time. I’ll be watching and listening and will return again to let everyone know I can still do what I’ve been doing. But eventually, I won’t be able to return to work. Hopefully by then everyone will have learned that living positively is a far better way to go.
So what you’re saying is you’re going to disappear but still mete out punishment, just to throw people off when you really die?
Him: That’s about it. Look, hopefully I’m going to be around for awhile, but if I disappeared tomorrow, all hell would break loose. If you’re not quite sure if I’m around or not, well, you’ll probably behave yourself.
True. So the random person dropping dead on the street may or may not be you?
Him: Yes. Happened recently. A woman name Marjorie Adams had an honest to goodness heart attack and fell over next to some dude who raped a couple of chicks. Sucks, but that’s how it goes.
But isn’t this just like the Jesus story and the countless other religious fables where someone will return to judge them if they don’t behave?
Him: Mother fucking exactly.

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Taylor Swift is a Splice girl

I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift is the monster from Splice. Well, she’s a monster anyway.

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Disc Golf column @ AV Club Denver

Disc golf. It’s way cooler than regular golf: column here

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My Lost series finale prediction

I think I understand the Lost backlash. It’s like when a band you love gets really popular and starts pumping out crap. You feel cheated that you invested so much time, possibly money and your hipness putting your support behind the product. Lost fans, in the twilight of the series, are acting the same way: disappointed with the direction the show has taken and the seemingly shoddy writing, some are predicting failure for the show’s finale on May 23rd. But that was before last week’s episode What They Died For which was a delicious appetizer for the finale. I’m predicting it will be great and further down, I will predict how it will all end.

I’m withholding judgment on this particular season until it’s all over. I’ve did find this one to be confounding though: too many new questions and concepts introduced too late in the game for a reasonable conclusion to take shape. Still, I’m along for the ride and will let the usual histrionic fans vent their frustration by posting outlandish venom on the message boards.

And before I get to my prediction, I’d like to posit this one idea: we were introduced the idea of the “long con” by way of Sawyer in earlier episodes of the series. Since then we’ve seen various incarnations of long cons being put into effect by different characters. Wheels within wheels of secret maneuvers put in motion to achieve their aims. What if this final season is some sort of con put upon us by the creators of the show? If you think about it, the fans are now divided and arguing much like the characters have been for the past couple of seasons. Most think the show has gone off the rails and are in revolt while a small few are kicking back, having faith the creators have a plan and that it will all pan out. Sound familiar?

It should because that’s what’s gone on in the show. Now Jack has converted to a man of faith and characters like Sawyer seem to vacillate between going along with the plan and refusing it outright. The fans have been doing the same thing this season.  Some want off the ride that is the Island and aren’t putting up with the producer’s shit anymore (something tells me they’re still watching though). Another group of fans, like Jack, are hanging in there against all logic. They want to see how it all plays out, no matter how ridiculous it gets. I guess I’m a little like Jack at this point.

Show runners Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse seem a little agitated by fairly legitimate questions that fans have been left wondering (the outrigger – a fairly new mystery, will not be resolved….total crap because it would have been easy to do). Their reactions make me think they have been caught off guard by the negative feedback they’ve received (hubris) on the season and have now set themselves up in a way that no matter how it ends up, they can just wash their hands of it. Claiming that they won’t answer any questions once the finale airs probably is a good indication of this.

I don’t blame them. Internet commentors are typically the most obnoxious and ignorant assholes on the planet (present company excluded). Having those people tell you that you suck is like having a homeless guy inform you that you need a shower. Still, no matter what they say and how they spin it, it’s obvious that by choosing to have only one more season of Lost, they created a very small window that they weren’t able to cram everything through. I do appreciate what the show has been and agree with Lindelof and Cuse that throwing away the entire series for how it ends up is just silly. If that were the case, The Wire would be the worst show on television, not one of the best. As I stated before, I’m in it for the long haul, and like my favorite band, I’ll listen to what they have produced and enjoy it for what it’s worth.

Now, my prediction. If any of this seems obvious to you, suck my dick.

The Lost creators have long stated their love for Stephen King’s Dark Tower series. So revered is King’s seven book cycle, that several concepts and nods have appeared in the show. I was moved to read the series, not once but twice because I thought it could provide me with some insight into just what these bastards were getting at.

If you haven’t read it, you’re probably shit out of luck getting through seven books of Stephen King’s well crafted, yet very long masterpiece by the time the finale of Lost rolls around this weekend. I won’t spoil it for you, but among other things, the Dark Tower deals with alternate realities, time loops and all sorts of fucked up shit. Plus a tower that if it falls, will erase all of existence….sound familiar? Without revealing the exact ending of the Dark Tower (which may come into play in Lost) I can reveal something that happens just before the ending. (It’s kind of a spoiler, but by the time you get around to reading it, you will have forgotten all about my ramblings)

One character leaves the world populated by the main character Roland and returns to a version of her New York City. Here she finds other characters who died in Roland’s world and reunites with them. For a moment, she remembers her connection with them while they only have a vague understanding that they should link up with this character. This fades after awhile but the characters presumably go on to a happily ever after.

Lost will end much the same way. Jack will take over as the island guardian, but in the process of doing so, he will see the deaths of the remaining castaways. Sawyer, Kate, Hurley and all the rest will be killed and there will be nothing he can do about it. There will probably be a confrontation with the Man in Black (another Dark Tower reference) which will leave Jack as the last man standing. I think the Island is supposed to sink but in some way Jack will either live out the rest of his life on the island -by himself- or left swimming in the water where the Island was –by himself.

Now, remember what Miles said to Sawyer about Juliet? As Juliet faded out during her final death scene, she seemingly had a conversation with someone off the island. Miles claimed she said “It worked.” Juliet was the very first to pass over and have the double vision of alternate reality and Island reality. Several characters were given glimpses in the alternate reality but hadn’t fully awakened in between timelines like Desmond -and now Hurley- have presumably done. As the remaining Losties die off (at the hands of MIB), they will awaken in the alternate reality.

Jack, fully assuming that his friends are dead and he is yet again the cause, will be bummed out. But when he finally “dies” on the island, he will wake up in the alternate reality, with all the knowledge of his island life, but in the other time line. The last one to cross over.

The end scene, like the very beginning, will be Jack’s eye opening and Kate’s voice saying his name. He will have finally arrived at his destination.

Or something like that.

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New column @ AV Club Denver: Rockies and Erectile Dysfunction

The Rockies and erectile dysfunction at AV Club Denver:

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My Ipod can beat up your Ipod #3

A random sampling of what’s on my Ipod. As usual, nothing has been omitted.

Billy Bragg – This land is your land

Eh. Not Billy’s greatest but I can appreciate his sentiment. Kind of hokey but I’m glad someone still gives a shit.

Black Keys – Things ain’t like they used to be

This Black Key record has been coming up lately. I think it’s my Ipod trying to tell me something since I didn’t give it too deep of a listen the first time around. Slow, southern rock jam you can stay up late drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes to.

Melody Gardot – Deep within the corners of my mind

From my wife’s collection I swear. Actually this is nice, light French pop star, torch song stuff. I’m guessing she’s French from her name and Americans aren’t going in this direction these days. Good stuff. I’ll keep it with mine….she doesn’t sound like Nico.

Elvis Presley – Follow that dream

Happy upbeat Elvis. Hipsters might have turned their backs on Elvis, but if you can’t bop along to this, you’re dead inside.

Madvillain – Fancy Clown

All this Madvillain stuff is great. This doesn’t have anything to do with food surprisingly enough. It’s a revenge on an old girlfriend track that, despite the subject matter, is a solid jam.

Brand New – Tautou

Guilty pleasure. Love these guys. On this album, the snare drum is like having a bottle broken over your head. Whoever produced this is a genius.

Shane Macgowan and the Popes – St. John of Gods

I never bought this when it came out because it was on import ($$$) and frankly I didn’t put any stock in what Shane was becoming. But I got this years later and it’s probably the best of Shane’s post-Pogues output. Never has there been a happier song about telling everyone to fuck off.

Mark Mothersbaugh – Loquasto International Film Festival

The second this came on I thought, ‘sounds like something from a Wes Anderson movie.’ And as usual, I was right. Good stuff in small doses.

Ween – Flutes of Chi

I don’t know if Ween is being serious when they record something like this (or anything for that matter) but whatever they’re thinking, I’m glad they do it.

King Tubby – Ethiopian Version

Literally anything with the King Tubby name on it is worth listening to. If you want to get into some dub but don’t know where to start, King Tubby is all you need to know.

White Stripes – The Nurse

Some wicked cymbal crashes in here. Anyone who says Meg isn’t a good drummer is a sexist bastard.

Amon Amarth – Varyags of Miklagaard

Had a hard time spelling this one. Great Viking metal. Can there be any other kind?

Oasis – Supersonic

A classic that’s always good to hear. Every time I hear the drums and the opening riff, I can see a sea of white kids moving their shoulders while holding gin and tonics.

Inspiral Carpets – Commercial Rain

Serendipity with the Ipod? Well, seeing how Noel Gallagher was a roadie for the Inspiral Carpets before he made it big with the above band, I’d say it’s a strange coincidence these two are right next to each other. Even the drumbeat is a tad similar.

Taking Back Sunday – Number Five with a Bullet

Another guilty pleasure. Of all those pop punk bands from this era, these guys were one of the best. Totally singable, totally rock and roll.

Slayer – Read between the lines

Praising Slayer is futile because they are so badass it never does them justice. It was just fitting that this was the last song of this run. Hail Slayer.

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